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Communication tactics

Qantas Airlines: Repair Division
> In case you need a laugh:
> Remember, it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school
> diploma to fix one.
> After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'Gripe Sheet'
> which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
> The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and
> then pilots review the Gripe Sheets before the next flight.
> Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
> Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
> (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
> engineers.
> By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
> accident.
> P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
> P: Something loose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
> P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what friction locks are for.
> P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
> P: Aircraft handles funny............ (I love this one!)
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
> P: Mouse in cockpit.
> S: Cat installed.
> And the best one for last..................
> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on
> something with a hammer.
> S: Took hammer away from midget.