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December 2011

Parrot, Blonde and Johnny

 A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The
 parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
 Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and
 laced with profanity.
 John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by
consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music
and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The
parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got
angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up
his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a
few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard
for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the
door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto
John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have
offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm
sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and
fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a
dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very
 "May I ask what the turkey did to upset you?"




A blonde City girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.


One morning, on his way to check the cows, the rancher says to Amy:

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. 

After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be inseminated?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)




 Little Johnny! (Bless the little bastard) "Class, today's assignment
is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."
Teacher says"Jane, you go first"
Dough, D O U G H..
"Italians make pizza with dough.."
 Very good, Jane... now let's hear from Mary.
 Dough, D O U G H.
 "My brother makes things with play dough."
 Very good, Mary...
 Johnny then raises his hand.
Teacher says"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?
 "My mom says my dad doesn't make enough dough,
 and he's bloody hopeless in bed,
 so she uses a dill dough!"
 The Teacher faints... She does that a lot!